29 April 2011


My friend Sean was outside the classroom in which I was at a meeting. I don't think he even knew he was in my school; he was working on a scene (he is an actor/I am in theatre) with one of the actors from my department. I opened the door and waited for him to realize it was me: it was sort of brilliant watching his face through that process, first confused at why I'd barged in on their scene, then trying to figure out if it was actually me, then a huge smile. We shared an amazing hug and made plans to meet up at the local Starbucks later.

I got there before him, and my friends Sarah and Mel were there, so I joined them. After chatting a little, I got up to get my coffee and saw what I thought to be Sean but turned out to be Ex-Boyfriend. For the record, he was terrible to me; I stayed with him much longer than I should have. I loved him when there was nothing to love. At any rate, I saw him and I wasn't sure if he'd seen me. I literally hit the ground hoping that the half wall between us would block him from seeing me. Sarah saw me from across the room and shot me a puzzling look and I sat up a little bit, against the wall and pointed up and behind me. I saw her eyes travel up and realize what was going on. She started walking towards me, but making really clear eyecontact with Ex. As she passed the wall, she dropped her car keys to me while picking up a newspaper of some sort to hide the action. She started up a conversation with Ex and led him to a table in the back, I saw my window and quickly headed for the door. I jumped in her car and waited. I didn't have anywhere to go really: I was supposed to be meeting Sean here in just a few minutes, but I absolutely wasn't comfortable enough being there if Ex was. (I have a growing, sort of primal fear of him and while I haven't seen him in years, and only once since we broke up, I'm not sure if I will go into fight or flight mode when I actually do see him)

While I was sitting in the car, pondering what to do, my friend Tabi walked up and knocked on the window. I opened the door to talk to her and after I'd explained the situation to her, she told me she was meeting her new husband inside (she is married now, but in the dream she'd gotten a divorce, I assume). I saw Sean walking towards the starbucks and figured I might as well deal with Ex with a bunch of people that I know and trust around me instead of at another time by myself or under worse conditions. When I re-entered the shop, Tabi was talking with Sarah and Ex... and holding his hand. I stood absolutely perplexed at the door, staring like an idiot. While I was frozen in terror, they were laughing, and shared a kiss. WTF. It took everything I had to walk over to them. He saw me, we made eye contact. He looked angry and it made me nervous.

Everything was alright at the Starbucks, but Tabi invited me over to dinner with them later in the evening. I asked if Boyfriend could come, as he might make me feel safe enough to be around Ex again. Tabi started to say yes but Ex jumped in and said No. I don't know why I didn't just say I couldn't go. I was in a terrible habit of putting myself in situations I didn't want to be in with him. I suppose it just carried over.

There was something about the trip there that was interesting, but it is completely lost to me now. I want to say it had to do with space flight, ha, but there is no telling.

It was later in the evening and I was walking up to their house. Nobody answered the door so with the resolve that only those in dreams have, I went in unescorted. He was sitting at the kitchen table, which had a clear view of the front door. "You always were such an assuming bitch". I turned to leave but he said, "Stop. Close the door" with such force that I did what he asked. I stood in the foyer facing the front door terrified, and hoping that Tabi would come to my rescue. I heard his chair move but I didn't have the balls to turn and see what he was doing.

"Turn around and stop acting so pathetic". I turned and all of a sudden my cheek was on fire and I was on the ground. He'd hit me and it had happened so quickly that I didn't see it coming. Or maybe it had just been so long that my reflexes were rusty. I sat on the ground knowing that it was terrible for me to think, angry with myself, that a few years ago I would have been able to avoid it. and this. was. my fault. Tears came as Tabi came down the stairs. He helped me up as asked if I was okay, playing the She-Fell card, and being a perfect gentleman. He got me a cool cloth for my face, where it had "hit the wall", while Tabi started dinner.

There is a jump in my memory, and all of a sudden I am naked. I am running through the house looking for something to cover up with and some way to get away from him. He has hurt me and I want nothing more than for Tabitha to understand that I have to leave. I found a blanket (the blanket that, in real life belongs to Boyfriend, is referred to as the "hobo-blanket" because of how long it has been loved, and is the safest/most comfortable blanket in the world) and ran out into the driveway. She was there. I yelled at her that this was what happens with him, and she turned to me and I saw that she had a black eye. She said something about telling him I had left.

Boyfriend drove up. I got in his car and crying, almost immediately fell asleep.

I woke up, crying to my realtor calling asking if she could show the place.

That was awful.

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