Uncomfortable.

My friend Sean was outside the classroom in which I was at a meeting. I don't think he even knew he was in my school; he was working on a scene (he is an actor/I am in theatre) with one of the actors from my department. I opened the door and waited for him to realize it was me: it was sort of brilliant watching his face through that process, first confused at why I'd barged in on their scene, then trying to figure out if it was actually me, then a huge smile. We shared an amazing hug and made plans to meet up at the local Starbucks later.

I got there before him, and my friends Sarah and Mel were there, so I joined them. After chatting a little, I got up to get my coffee and saw what I thought to be Sean but turned out to be Ex-Boyfriend. For the record, he was terrible to me; I stayed with him much longer than I should have. I loved him when there was nothing to love. At any rate, I saw him and I wasn't sure if he'd seen me. I literally hit the ground hoping that the half wall between us would block him from seeing me. Sarah saw me from across the room and shot me a puzzling look and I sat up a little bit, against the wall and pointed up and behind me. I saw her eyes travel up and realize what was going on. She started walking towards me, but making really clear eyecontact with Ex. As she passed the wall, she dropped her car keys to me while picking up a newspaper of some sort to hide the action. She started up a conversation with Ex and led him to a table in the back, I saw my window and quickly headed for the door. I jumped in her car and waited. I didn't have anywhere to go really: I was supposed to be meeting Sean here in just a few minutes, but I absolutely wasn't comfortable enough being there if Ex was. (I have a growing, sort of primal fear of him and while I haven't seen him in years, and only once since we broke up, I'm not sure if I will go into fight or flight mode when I actually do see him)

While I was sitting in the car, pondering what to do, my friend Tabi walked up and knocked on the window. I opened the door to talk to her and after I'd explained the situation to her, she told me she was meeting her new husband inside (she is married now, but in the dream she'd gotten a divorce, I assume). I saw Sean walking towards the starbucks and figured I might as well deal with Ex with a bunch of people that I know and trust around me instead of at another time by myself or under worse conditions. When I re-entered the shop, Tabi was talking with Sarah and Ex... and holding his hand. I stood absolutely perplexed at the door, staring like an idiot. While I was frozen in terror, they were laughing, and shared a kiss. WTF. It took everything I had to walk over to them. He saw me, we made eye contact. He looked angry and it made me nervous.

Everything was alright at the Starbucks, but Tabi invited me over to dinner with them later in the evening. I asked if Boyfriend could come, as he might make me feel safe enough to be around Ex again. Tabi started to say yes but Ex jumped in and said No. I don't know why I didn't just say I couldn't go. I was in a terrible habit of putting myself in situations I didn't want to be in with him. I suppose it just carried over.

There was something about the trip there that was interesting, but it is completely lost to me now. I want to say it had to do with space flight, ha, but there is no telling.

It was later in the evening and I was walking up to their house. Nobody answered the door so with the resolve that only those in dreams have, I went in unescorted. He was sitting at the kitchen table, which had a clear view of the front door. "You always were such an assuming bitch". I turned to leave but he said, "Stop. Close the door" with such force that I did what he asked. I stood in the foyer facing the front door terrified, and hoping that Tabi would come to my rescue. I heard his chair move but I didn't have the balls to turn and see what he was doing.

"Turn around and stop acting so pathetic". I turned and all of a sudden my cheek was on fire and I was on the ground. He'd hit me and it had happened so quickly that I didn't see it coming. Or maybe it had just been so long that my reflexes were rusty. I sat on the ground knowing that it was terrible for me to think, angry with myself, that a few years ago I would have been able to avoid it. and this. was. my fault. Tears came as Tabi came down the stairs. He helped me up as asked if I was okay, playing the She-Fell card, and being a perfect gentleman. He got me a cool cloth for my face, where it had "hit the wall", while Tabi started dinner.

There is a jump in my memory, and all of a sudden I am naked. I am running through the house looking for something to cover up with and some way to get away from him. He has hurt me and I want nothing more than for Tabitha to understand that I have to leave. I found a blanket (the blanket that, in real life belongs to Boyfriend, is referred to as the "hobo-blanket" because of how long it has been loved, and is the safest/most comfortable blanket in the world) and ran out into the driveway. She was there. I yelled at her that this was what happens with him, and she turned to me and I saw that she had a black eye. She said something about telling him I had left.

Boyfriend drove up. I got in his car and crying, almost immediately fell asleep.

I woke up, crying to my realtor calling asking if she could show the place.

That was awful.

The pope does my laundry.

I had a hell of a lot of dreams last night and they all slipped through my fingers for the various terrible ways I was woken throughout the night/morning (screaming from the street, my fire alarm running out of batteries, my bathroom's fire alarm running out of batteries an hour later, pigeons getting it on on my balcony, roommate dropping pretty much every single thing we have in the kitchen, etc.)

At any rate, I only remember dreaming about doing laundry, except the washer was above a drop ceiling, and the dryer was across the room on the floor. And the pope returned our pot-holder mitt thing because he'd washed it for us. Exciting.

Mismatched Safe Places

We were having a smoke/coffee break and Boyfriend was telling me how hard it is to find the right engagement ring. I was freaking out mentally, but trying really hard to keep the conversation as light as he was.

The dream jumped.

I was staying in the house. The house that I've always dreamed about, that often defys physics and sometimes has different floor plans, but I know it has always been the house. I'd had a baby a few hours before (a home birth, apparently) but hadn't yet finished with that whole process of getting better. Though i was walking around, I wasn't yet allowed to handle baby (because I was still so messed up on pain/relaxation drugs). I was worried that I wouldn't know how to breast feed baby, but as soon as we relaxed into a chair together everything worked out just fine.

The dream jumped again. I was fighting inside a giant theatre. Only it was an us vs them sort of thing. I don't remember who they were, but it had something to do with Halo (which I have never played with any seriousness). I walked out on the balcony level of the theatre seating and shot the HUGE gun that I'd been carrying around. That was it, the last shot, the one that killed all my enemies and won the battle for us. We were all sitting on the balcony level talking about the battle and Mason decided that it hadn't been my shot that had finished off the battle. For some reason, this pissed me off. A lot.

I left the theatre for the hotel where we were all staying. A girl that is in my Art History class (whose name I believe is Ana, though I'm not sure) was in our room (the girls room) putting together collages and sketching out pictures of the battles. She asked me where I felt safe outside of home/apartment. While I was pondering the question, she used the term "Mismatched safe" explaining that it meant the places where you feel safe but don't have any real reason to feel safer there than in other places. For her: the Fine Arts Library, her cousin's porch but not the house, in her car on long drives, etc. The only thing I could think of was Boyfriend. I missed him and was tired of being on the road fighting this stupid war. I realized that he is my mismatched safe, because regardless of where we are together, I feel safe, happy.

I am so ready to be moving back home, to be done with school. It has infiltrated my dreams.

Blog dreams

I just woke from a nap in which I had a dream that Boyfriend was being called Soldier because of my blog. I have never referred to him as that, and don't plan on it ever happening, although there's no telling now that I've posted this. Also. My good friend Mel's sister was pregnant and she was a blogger (she is neither as far as I know). Short nap, short dreams.

Silly arguments revisited

I was fighting with my sister, a habit long-past now that we've both moved off to college. She had taken near half of my wardrobe and put it in her closet/dresser. I was furious with her for being so cocky. I knew that she was in the habit of borrowing my clothes, but like one shirt at a time... not all at once. My mother came in to break up the fight because we'd gotten pretty loud yelling at one another, except she didn't know if the clothes actually belonged to me or not, so she couldn't solve the issue without someone being upset or angry.

I miss my family, greatly. I should give them a call. Sister and I are way past this sort of arguing, but it was pretty common-place when we were both in high school/living at home.

Moving Nerves

Somehow I'd fit all my belongings into my car (1988 BMW 325is-it would be totally impossible) and I was on my way to Houston. I was finally moving out of my Austin apartment and into the house with him, for good. For real. I was nervousexcited and couldn't decide what to listen to. I was worried that if I couldn't choose my music, I wouldn't be able to find a job. I was all nerves, and couldn't make sense of anything except that I was pretty sure everything was going to be okay.

I'm pretty sure everything is going to be okay. I'm moving in just a few short weeks, and although I've lived with him for summers/weekends for the past few years, I'm fairly nervous.

Money Orbs

My roommate and I were working together to steal millions of dollars from casinos. The money came in these tiny glowing orbs (about the size of a golf ball) and each had between 2 and 65 million dollars in it. There was no way to tell which ones had more money than the others. They were untraceable and the money couldn't be tracked (what casino wants its money to be tracked anyway?) and we were literally in the habit of filching them off of counters and out of people's bags. Sort of neat. Except at one point he was upset with me (it hadn't been enough money, or I wouldn't give him all of it or something). He was chasing me through the casino complex. I thought to lose him by sending an elevator up and taking the stairs down, and other such movie-esque tricks but he always knew where I was going. He ended up finding me, but for some reason I had the upper hand. I gave him some money, not anywhere near all of it though, and that seemed to end it. At the very end of the dream, we were looking up $2.8m houses that were in other parts of the world because neither of us wanted to live in America anymore.

Underground Theatre

I had a series of dreams while fevered and napping today that were really bizarre. I was running around a huge warehouse complex working on a show that had something to do with cars and other automotive technology. There was something secretive about it, like it may have been an illegal show or something. At one point everyone was naked as a distraction to the police. Nobody was bothered about being naked, it was just some sort of group thing. Clothed again, I was running through these dark,dank underground hallways trying to find someone that I knew would make the show work out.

Bizarre. There were others, though I slept and woke so many times that all but the last one have fled my memory.

Blah.

There was something terrible in my dreams last night. I woke up panicked and sort of sad. I have no idea what it was though. No bueno.

Dragon eggs

Boyfriend and Mason, a friend in Austin, had separately found dragon eggs and were figuring out how to hatch them. The government was absolutely opposed, although figured they could employ whichever was hatching good dragons, rather than evil. Seems like a pretty sweet pet, for a country, I remember thinking.

I wanted to see them, and I knew that neither Boyfriend nor Mason would let me past all their security, not when they were this close to hatching. I decided to break into Mason's and steal the eggs, though I'm not sure why.

While I was trying to get past the intense security to Mason's dragons, my dream switched to something about the scene shop and a party that was coming up. Weak.

The New Works Festival is no longer now.

Just finished working (as the assistant technical director) on a New Works (theatre) festival yesterday. During the few weeks before and the week of, I was averaging 4-5 hours of sleep. And then when I woke up, the last thing on my mind was spending time on the computer. So. In the past few weeks, I have been having snippets of dreams (mostly spiders and stressful things like the building catching on fire/flooding/etc) but haven't felt the need to post AT ALL.

Normal dreaming schedule will resume as soon as body feels rested enough to produce dreams again. Loves.