Old friends

"I've missed you", I said settling onto the floor to sit with my head resting on his leg.

"I love you too". He put a hand on my head and for a moment I was entirely content. Then I remembered.

You are my ex.

Suddenly, the room was full of my exboyfriends and there was no exit. We were in a liquor store buying Halloween candy and it was everything I could do to keep from attacking one of them. He was a terrible person. I hope I never see him again. I was stressed out, angry, tired and wanted nothing more than for boyfriend to show up and make them all leave.

Gods I miss some of those boys, not as romantic endeavors... but as friends. Relationships can really screw things up.

I am tired of waking up by myself because boyfriend has to leave for work so early. I miss him and we're living in the same house.

Weird Night

Weird creepy night. I kept having dreams of people standing in our bedroom. Or me trying desperately to get downstairs to tell Boyfriend that something was wrong... but I couldn't speak, or (in another) I couldn't see.

He was feeling it too, apparently. At one point he yelled "What the hell", which woke me up and when I rolled over he was staring at me, wide-eyed and clearly frightened. I asked him what was wrong and reached out to touch his shoulder and he literally jumped out of bed and dashed behind the foot-board ducking. He kept nervously glancing at me, and where both of our night stands sit on either side of the bed. I tried to talk him down. "Its me, its okay. There's nothing here". He looked at me for a moment and the scared went off his face so I asked, "you coming back to bed?" When we had finally curled up together again I asked him what was bothering him and he said "I don't know. I thought someone had touched me". Which is weird, uncomfortable, and hopefully didn't happen. Ha. Bizarre

Uncomfortable.

My friend Sean was outside the classroom in which I was at a meeting. I don't think he even knew he was in my school; he was working on a scene (he is an actor/I am in theatre) with one of the actors from my department. I opened the door and waited for him to realize it was me: it was sort of brilliant watching his face through that process, first confused at why I'd barged in on their scene, then trying to figure out if it was actually me, then a huge smile. We shared an amazing hug and made plans to meet up at the local Starbucks later.

I got there before him, and my friends Sarah and Mel were there, so I joined them. After chatting a little, I got up to get my coffee and saw what I thought to be Sean but turned out to be Ex-Boyfriend. For the record, he was terrible to me; I stayed with him much longer than I should have. I loved him when there was nothing to love. At any rate, I saw him and I wasn't sure if he'd seen me. I literally hit the ground hoping that the half wall between us would block him from seeing me. Sarah saw me from across the room and shot me a puzzling look and I sat up a little bit, against the wall and pointed up and behind me. I saw her eyes travel up and realize what was going on. She started walking towards me, but making really clear eyecontact with Ex. As she passed the wall, she dropped her car keys to me while picking up a newspaper of some sort to hide the action. She started up a conversation with Ex and led him to a table in the back, I saw my window and quickly headed for the door. I jumped in her car and waited. I didn't have anywhere to go really: I was supposed to be meeting Sean here in just a few minutes, but I absolutely wasn't comfortable enough being there if Ex was. (I have a growing, sort of primal fear of him and while I haven't seen him in years, and only once since we broke up, I'm not sure if I will go into fight or flight mode when I actually do see him)

While I was sitting in the car, pondering what to do, my friend Tabi walked up and knocked on the window. I opened the door to talk to her and after I'd explained the situation to her, she told me she was meeting her new husband inside (she is married now, but in the dream she'd gotten a divorce, I assume). I saw Sean walking towards the starbucks and figured I might as well deal with Ex with a bunch of people that I know and trust around me instead of at another time by myself or under worse conditions. When I re-entered the shop, Tabi was talking with Sarah and Ex... and holding his hand. I stood absolutely perplexed at the door, staring like an idiot. While I was frozen in terror, they were laughing, and shared a kiss. WTF. It took everything I had to walk over to them. He saw me, we made eye contact. He looked angry and it made me nervous.

Everything was alright at the Starbucks, but Tabi invited me over to dinner with them later in the evening. I asked if Boyfriend could come, as he might make me feel safe enough to be around Ex again. Tabi started to say yes but Ex jumped in and said No. I don't know why I didn't just say I couldn't go. I was in a terrible habit of putting myself in situations I didn't want to be in with him. I suppose it just carried over.

There was something about the trip there that was interesting, but it is completely lost to me now. I want to say it had to do with space flight, ha, but there is no telling.

It was later in the evening and I was walking up to their house. Nobody answered the door so with the resolve that only those in dreams have, I went in unescorted. He was sitting at the kitchen table, which had a clear view of the front door. "You always were such an assuming bitch". I turned to leave but he said, "Stop. Close the door" with such force that I did what he asked. I stood in the foyer facing the front door terrified, and hoping that Tabi would come to my rescue. I heard his chair move but I didn't have the balls to turn and see what he was doing.

"Turn around and stop acting so pathetic". I turned and all of a sudden my cheek was on fire and I was on the ground. He'd hit me and it had happened so quickly that I didn't see it coming. Or maybe it had just been so long that my reflexes were rusty. I sat on the ground knowing that it was terrible for me to think, angry with myself, that a few years ago I would have been able to avoid it. and this. was. my fault. Tears came as Tabi came down the stairs. He helped me up as asked if I was okay, playing the She-Fell card, and being a perfect gentleman. He got me a cool cloth for my face, where it had "hit the wall", while Tabi started dinner.

There is a jump in my memory, and all of a sudden I am naked. I am running through the house looking for something to cover up with and some way to get away from him. He has hurt me and I want nothing more than for Tabitha to understand that I have to leave. I found a blanket (the blanket that, in real life belongs to Boyfriend, is referred to as the "hobo-blanket" because of how long it has been loved, and is the safest/most comfortable blanket in the world) and ran out into the driveway. She was there. I yelled at her that this was what happens with him, and she turned to me and I saw that she had a black eye. She said something about telling him I had left.

Boyfriend drove up. I got in his car and crying, almost immediately fell asleep.

I woke up, crying to my realtor calling asking if she could show the place.

That was awful.

Mismatched Safe Places

We were having a smoke/coffee break and Boyfriend was telling me how hard it is to find the right engagement ring. I was freaking out mentally, but trying really hard to keep the conversation as light as he was.

The dream jumped.

I was staying in the house. The house that I've always dreamed about, that often defys physics and sometimes has different floor plans, but I know it has always been the house. I'd had a baby a few hours before (a home birth, apparently) but hadn't yet finished with that whole process of getting better. Though i was walking around, I wasn't yet allowed to handle baby (because I was still so messed up on pain/relaxation drugs). I was worried that I wouldn't know how to breast feed baby, but as soon as we relaxed into a chair together everything worked out just fine.

The dream jumped again. I was fighting inside a giant theatre. Only it was an us vs them sort of thing. I don't remember who they were, but it had something to do with Halo (which I have never played with any seriousness). I walked out on the balcony level of the theatre seating and shot the HUGE gun that I'd been carrying around. That was it, the last shot, the one that killed all my enemies and won the battle for us. We were all sitting on the balcony level talking about the battle and Mason decided that it hadn't been my shot that had finished off the battle. For some reason, this pissed me off. A lot.

I left the theatre for the hotel where we were all staying. A girl that is in my Art History class (whose name I believe is Ana, though I'm not sure) was in our room (the girls room) putting together collages and sketching out pictures of the battles. She asked me where I felt safe outside of home/apartment. While I was pondering the question, she used the term "Mismatched safe" explaining that it meant the places where you feel safe but don't have any real reason to feel safer there than in other places. For her: the Fine Arts Library, her cousin's porch but not the house, in her car on long drives, etc. The only thing I could think of was Boyfriend. I missed him and was tired of being on the road fighting this stupid war. I realized that he is my mismatched safe, because regardless of where we are together, I feel safe, happy.

I am so ready to be moving back home, to be done with school. It has infiltrated my dreams.

Blog dreams

I just woke from a nap in which I had a dream that Boyfriend was being called Soldier because of my blog. I have never referred to him as that, and don't plan on it ever happening, although there's no telling now that I've posted this. Also. My good friend Mel's sister was pregnant and she was a blogger (she is neither as far as I know). Short nap, short dreams.

Moving Nerves

Somehow I'd fit all my belongings into my car (1988 BMW 325is-it would be totally impossible) and I was on my way to Houston. I was finally moving out of my Austin apartment and into the house with him, for good. For real. I was nervousexcited and couldn't decide what to listen to. I was worried that if I couldn't choose my music, I wouldn't be able to find a job. I was all nerves, and couldn't make sense of anything except that I was pretty sure everything was going to be okay.

I'm pretty sure everything is going to be okay. I'm moving in just a few short weeks, and although I've lived with him for summers/weekends for the past few years, I'm fairly nervous.

Dragon eggs

Boyfriend and Mason, a friend in Austin, had separately found dragon eggs and were figuring out how to hatch them. The government was absolutely opposed, although figured they could employ whichever was hatching good dragons, rather than evil. Seems like a pretty sweet pet, for a country, I remember thinking.

I wanted to see them, and I knew that neither Boyfriend nor Mason would let me past all their security, not when they were this close to hatching. I decided to break into Mason's and steal the eggs, though I'm not sure why.

While I was trying to get past the intense security to Mason's dragons, my dream switched to something about the scene shop and a party that was coming up. Weak.

Simple and pleasant

I had really pleasant dreams about painting in the loft studio that I will have someday. I don't remember details (about either the paintings or the studio itself), just a feeling of being extremely content. I knew that Boyfriend was coming to see my work later in the day and I wasn't even particularly nervous about what he'd think.

Good dreams.

quitting.

Boyfriend and I were cuddled up on our perfect couch: him sitting as one would in a chair, with me laying across his lap resting my head on his shoulder. We were watching some terrible DIY network show (as I am akin to making him do with me) and he tapped me on the should twice (our less obnoxious way of saying "hey I need to get up and you are in the way"). I looked up at him and he said he was going to go have a cigarette (we are both in the middle of quit-fest). "Why?" was the only response I could muster, not only was I trying to be helpful in the quitting process... I was really comfortable and if he got up we might never find this perfect body placement again. He thought about it for a moment then relaxed back into the couch. Brilliant. Quit-fest, cuddle-party wynn.

Sort of a low-key dream. It made me happy though.

Don't read too much before bed...

If you haven't read The Hunger Games Series, I definitely recommend them.

I dreamed I was in a tournament just like in the first book of the series. It was kill or be killed and the government was watching. Actually, the entire world was watching it as a television series, though unlike in the books, the people watching didn't know it was real... they just thought it was another show. I never ran into the other contestants, thankfully, because I was terrified. I had my ipad and was trying desperately to get into contact with Boyfriend and parents... anyone really. I didn't know where I was, but I couldn't help but think I was in Nebraska.

I thought, "I'm going to die here" and woke up. While snoozing I kept having snippets of dreams that were press releases, I think, about my disappearance, and the actions of the other contestants. My theatrical rigging professor, Rusty, was one of the reporters and I was pretty sure that he was on my side (and perhaps because he knew me, he realized it wasn't just a television show?)

Either way, weird one.

Blue Mountain Coffee

I was working as a live-in nanny for some family that I didn't really like. Boyfriend brought me a cup of the best coffee in the world while I was at work  and the family asked me to clock out because I was enjoying the coffee too much. I just stared at the mother and said something along the lines of "really? I can't even enjoy a fucking cup of coffee?". She looked as if she realized how shitty it was of her, and was trying desperately to avoid eye contact. I couldn't believe how ridiculous she was being, and quit.


I know, I know... I've been a terrible person and haven't really been updating, but i haven't been dreaming! Sorry kids!

Mission: Groceries

I'm sorry posts have been infrequent. I have been working hard and crashing, and either not remembering my dream or just not having one.

At any rate, I had a string of unpleasant dreams last night. Here's a bit:

I was in the grocery on some sort of mission that didn't involve buying groceries, though now I can't remember for the life of me what it was. The workers were trying to kill me, and I was relying entirely on Boyfriend to distract them so I could get out. I met up with him in the toys aisle and was planning on talking strategy on how to exit the store without them seeing me when he grabbed what I thought was a toy ninja star and started attacking me. Definitely wasn't a toy. I sprinted away from him and ran into my boss, Dacosta. He acted friendly and I thought I might be able to get him to help me leave the grocery. Moments later, he too turned on me and was trying to kill me. I was running through the store (which now that I think about it was a lot more like a WalMart than a grocery), slipping when i took too sharp of right turns, trying to avoid everyone as I now knew that the people trying to kill me had managed to buy out/convince everyone I thought I could trust (there were people other than Boyfriend and Dacosta, but that's fuzzy now).

Dreams in French

I was walking through a French country club (though in America) that I wasn't a member of, trying to be inconspicuous. I knew that I just needed to make it over to the less fancy side of the club and everything would work out just fine. There were middle-aged men standing around talking in French. One of them grabbed me and asked me, in French, to get him something or other. I let him know that I wasn't staff at the club, that I was a member just like him and that I would get him kicked out of the club if he didn't let go of me. He just stared at me like he couldn't believe that i knew French and as if he'd never been spoken to in any sort of defiant way before. As I was walking off, hoping that I wasn't drawing too much attention to myself, I heard him trash-talking me. For some reason, the only insult I remember is that he called me a hick.

I finally made it to the other side of the club where I met up with Boyfriend. We were on a serious mission, but first, needed some doughnuts. He was extremely troubled that they didn't have the kind he liked, or the ingredients to make them. I asked the waiter what sort of ingredients he did have, and after a terribly long list i offered up "Maple Cinnamon" as the flavor of doughnuts for us.

I was following the wait staff up the stairs, past the rude old man. Instead of a country club upstairs, it was a house. With cameras and television screens everywhere. I immediately decided to play dumb and just keep walking until someone asked me what I was doing up here. Finally it happened and I told them I was looking for the store because it was going to be Valentines day soon and I needed to buy Boyfriend a gift. They told me that if i continued on down the hallway I was already in, I'd find the store and there were some lovely things to buy there.

I was standing in line at the store with some glass flowers when I woke up because of a TERRIBLE cramp in my calf. Boo... this dream was neat. And all of it except for the parts with Boyfriend were in French. Double neat.

House Hunting and Married Women

We were in Japan. Boyfriend was cheating on me with a married woman that had a kid. It didn't really bother me that he was cheating because I knew that he didn't like her all that much and recently had been looking for a way to break up with her. She was absolutely fucking insane and he was afraid that if he broke it off with her, she'd hunt me down and kill me. Which is why we were in Japan; we were looking for apartments. In one of the empty apartments, we started kissing and the asshole kid of the married woman saw us and ran off to his mother to tell her about seeing (my)Boyfriend kissing someone other than his crazy biotch mom. He told me to hide in the bathroom (that also had a door to outside the apartment?) while he dealt with her. She showed up and knew I was in the bathroom but, because I had locked all the doors, didn't have a way to get in. I could hear her and Boyfriend yelling at each other. The kid was trying to break down the bathroom door, and I was legitimately afraid of this mother-son pair. Boyfriend finally got them to leave, after fully breaking it off with the crazy lady. We decided to look at houses elsewhere, after lunch. We drove through the neighborhood (which, while in Japan, was exactly like neighborhoods in Houston) and decided on a strip club for lunch. In Japan, apparently, when you buy food at restaurants, instead of getting a receipt, you get a carnival-like ticket. In the strip club, you could show your tickets from certain other restaurants and get a free buffet. Which we did. A free awful, greasy looking pizza buffet. Boyfriend apologized profusely through our entire lunch about the married woman. I was angry, but mostly over it. I really just wanted him to stop talking about it. I woke up as strippers entered the room, after we'd finished eating.

Nyquil

Beautifulbeautiful Nyquil sleep.
Alas, all I can give you from last night is snippets.

-Drywalling with Paris Hilton
-An invisible puppy
-Walking around in a small french town
-Waking up in Houston next to Boyfriend (I am currently at school in Austin during the week)

One of these days I'll get a solid 982734 hours of sleep, and have some excellent dreams to share.